Julie's Big Hollywood New Year's Resolutions


  1. Meet and marry Jake Gyllenhaal despite the media's mean-spirited Demi/Ashton comparisons.

  2. Legally change name to Julie Gyllenhaal, Ph. D. because I damn well like the sound of it.

  3. Go on double dates with Maggie Gyllenhaal and Peter Saarsgard. Remark on all those cool double As in our names. Consider acessorizing with umlauts.

  4. Divorce Jake Gyllenhaal, whom I publicly accuse of fraud after one too many mountain weekends away with "an old fishing buddy."

  5. Surrender double A and any and all future claims to umlaut.

  6. Write the great American screenplay; sell in bidding war between The Baron and The Doctor for fifteen thousand yen.

  7. Publish juicy Hollywood tell all.

  8. Guest star on Oprah, stand on couch, punch air.

  9. Despite daily gorging on bacon and chalupas, suffer spontaneous weight loss, like Star Jones-Reynolds.
  10. Walk wiener dogs on Harry Winston leashes along the red carpet to the Oscars. Win in a surprise upset over Woody Allen. Thank Mom, Dad, Jesus, my newfound friends at CAA, the unsung heroes of Hurricane Katrina and the troops in Iraq.

  11. Finally introduce myself to longtime Imaginary Boyfriend.

  12. Dump the big dork, who suddenly expects me to like his friends and his protein shakes while happily washing his undershorts.

  13. Suffer bizarre mid-life growth spurt, becoming inexplicably leggy and coltish.

  14. Skip naked down Hollywood Boulevard.

  15. Ride Tom Cruise’s motorcycle, become mysteriously impregnated, join Scientology, enjoy delightful home sonograms.

  16. Publicly heckle that crazy bitch Brooke Shields and Matt "You Are Glib" Lauer.

  17. Screw the manual labor already and return to the geisha way of life.

  18. Invite many a studly eel to visit the old love cave.