4.09.2006

Julie Goes Chick Lit

Contrary to popular belief, Julie hasn't "gone Hollywood" as a result of her recent success to the exclusion of her friends in the blogosphere. What's really been keeping me from my usual zeal for self-absorbed public ranting is writing a book proposal inspired by my entries here over the last year. Yes, Julie Goes To Hollywood: A Single Girl, A Second Chance, And The Dream That Won't Die!, Already, Die! is nearly ready to go on the auction block to a shortlist of Fabulous New York Publishers. Unlike the Hollywood types I so strongly hesitate to come out and name, my Big Deal New York Literary Agent is a man so civilized he probably wouldn't mind my revealing his actual name here rather than referring to him as "Literary Boy." He is Jason Anthony, with the Zachary, Shuster, Harmsworth Agency in Manhattan.

I could not make up this fellow if I were writing a Sex & The City spec. He has a bulldog named Humbert who likes to go out and roll in snow in the middle of the night and thus doesn't care a whit if I call his cell at midnight to ask his favorite flavor of Jelly Belly. He's a longtime fan of the blog, who thinks, and I quote, that I am "Sedarisesque." I didn't ask if this meant Amy or David because I'm totally down with it either way and would be especially happy to be perceived as their love child. But that would be gross, since they're full-on brother and sister, and hailing from North Carolina is really no excuse for that sort of behavior. Besides, David is gay and has married well. Like me, Amy can't seem to land a real man and has an imaginary boyfriend. Hers is a swarthy foreigner named Raoul. They often quarrel before making passionate love. I only know this because she's always on Letterman yakking about the guy with that mad glint in her eye that so delights and entertains Dave.

Now that I've finally conquered Hollywood after all these years with an overpaid assignment to write my first studio screenplay, my greatest hope is that the literary world receives me with refreshing graciousness and expediency. I expect to be mass published at once in paperback, feted with free gifts and prizes, and sent on a whirlwind book tour concentrating in and around the South Pacific. Or at least acknowledged in some small way with, say, a charming note and a correctly spelled word of encouragement. Ten years in this town and a girl learns not to ask for too much, even if she is so strongly influenced by the nation's greatest living satirist and his loopy actress-playwright sister. I always wanted to be a Letterman favorite.

UPDATE: Shortly after this post, my book went out for auction and despite some very kind words from some very fabulous folks, failed to sell. Jason Anthony jumped to another agency, or so I heard, and no longer represents me. I have no idea what's up with his dog. 

36 comments:

  1. Chuck Loch10:44 PM

    And I knew you "when"!

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  2. I can't decide whether to love you or hate you. I just can't.

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  3. if there's a place for me in your memoirs, even fictional, I want to be known as 'Fred'

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  4. I wonder who will play you in the film adaptation?

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  5. odocoileus6:58 AM

    Okay. This dreams come true, triumph against long odds after bitter struggle stuff is great. I'm happy for you. Really, I am.

    But I want to hear more about braless execs in nice Chanel blouses.

    Fear not. Your success hasn't changed me.

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  6. Chuck, you still know me, certainly well enough to know that my butt is at least five times the size of that on the cover model. Les, it's premature to hate me, dear. MQ, Fred it is. Justin, you have the looks of a matinee idol. Would you like to play my Croatian ex-husband? Odo, just call me Rocky. And you'll have to buy the book to hear more about the braless exec who torpedoed my sitcom career. Bitch.

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  7. As an aspiring screenwriter and lover of memoirs, this is certainly one I'd buy in hardback! Hurry up and finish it. ;-)

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  8. Stephen Benson9:05 AM

    way to go julie! from spec monkey to pro monkey! what a climb. enjoy the hell out of it dear.

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  9. Will you have pictures in your book? It just wouldn't be the same reading you without the little pictures.

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  10. Jeff, either that or how about you and I just exchange pictures privately?
    ;-)

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  11. Gratz J

    I'm so glad to hear this.

    JDC

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  12. Anonymous3:17 PM

    I have been jonesing for more blog entries! The opportunity to have them all collected en masse in a nice picture book is very exciting. Good luck with the book deal.

    Jennifer K

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  13. Looking forward to reading it. Best of luck!

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  14. I think I just got flirted with by a big Hollywood writer!

    SWEET!

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  15. Long time lurker passing on their congratulations.

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  16. I think it's a great idea for a book. I can picture it in the [insert Fabulous New York Publishing House here] catalog. Best of luck.

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  17. Julie, when you've conquered Hollywood and New York, what are your plans for the midwest? I think you should breed a new corn hybrid next.

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  18. I have spent the last year reading about vapid female bloggers and their romps with strangers in bars, or their liasons with politicians, wanna-be actors, and married investment bankers. It thrills and delights me to see that someone with true talent is going to be gracing the shelves of my local Barnes and Noble. I truly cannot wait to read your book! Congrats on the well deserved success.

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  19. You guys are too kind. But let's wait and hear what happens before we uncork another bottle of Moet and crate of tampons.

    Back atcha, J. One of us had some good news in the trades today and it wasn't moi. Mazel tov!

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  20. Long-time reader, first-time poster here. I just wanna add my own kudos to all your success. And just to let you know how awesome it is, you've helped kickstart, finally, my own earnest attempt to join the club. Been in Southern California for 6 months now, and I'm finally realizing it's about time to get off my ass and get to work.

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  21. The ex-husband role is very tempting, but honestly I think my look is more mantinee usher than idol.

    Congrats again.

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  22. I'm not being coy, I'm just out of the loop - was there an article today? What? Who?

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  23. Julie --
    re: good news in the trades, I wasn't the "J" you were referring to, right? ;-)

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  24. Another lurker offering her congrats!

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  25. hey Julie, belated congrats! I know you're working hard and it's good to see these payoffs now and again. but what is it they say about fame being a fickle lover? nah don't worry, just relax and ride that wild horse! yee haw!!!

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  26. Way to go, kiddo!

    I have a hunch the book deal will be smooth sailing. I have one favor to ask: Please don't use the words "writing," "writer," and "overpaid" in the same sentence, or even adjacent paragraphs. It just fuels the delusions of the check writers in Town who believe it's possible to pay too much for good writing.

    Thanks.

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  27. You'll autograph the copies we blogospherians buy, of coursse?

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  28. Anonymous10:47 AM

    "Big Deal New York Literary Agent"
    In bold type. Why? It's not a link. If I was rude I'd say it was a failure in your writing technique. Although perhaps all bloggers do it.
    Do you use bold type in your screenplays?
    If so, do yours characters have to raise their eyebrows or something?

    P.S.
    Good luck!

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  29. If I was rude I'd say it was a failure in your writing technique.

    Actually that's if I were rude. Conditional case. I'm frankly concerned about your your writing technique. (She says this with a wink. Just heckling a heckler. That's all I got today. Seriously, thanks for writing...)

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  30. Just remember all of us little people who discovered you first. You'll recognize us. We'll be the ones who say that you've sold out.

    Kidding. Good luck on all fronts.

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  31. I am so happy for you!

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  32. Anonymous3:24 PM

    Hey! I just wanted to know about the repeated bold type. I like your reply anyway. "If I was rude" is an English thing: kind of informal. "If I were rude in this case about your blog" versus "If I was a rude person - (If I was ugly, If I was angry: saying "If I were ugly" seems too formal) Also, as soon as you reply with "I'm frankly concerned" etc. as opposed to "I AM frankly concerned", the rules are out the window and we loosen our collars.

    Anyway, there are plot twists and twisted plots.
    Good luck!!

    Jack Cavendish

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  33. Well, at least you didn't ask me to light your fag. That would have really freaked me out.
    :-)

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  34. Now I am named and made binary.
    This is note form.
    Sorry about being snooty earlier.
    Between the lines, it's because I fancy you.

    If I was from a studio that you were signed to, I'd hope that your blog was infrequently updated.
    Actually, on the subject of blogs, I'm trying to get over the idea of them being self-indulgent.
    However, deep down, I'm worried that if I get over it, I'll end up with less time, because I'll have to keep visiting blogs.

    Chairs
    Jack

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  35. Is this the same Jason Anthony who used to work in film development? He was big into books. I'm just wondering... because if so, I know him. I read for him. And perhaps if I ever have something worthy... Note ever... And if not, then this comment is a true waste of comment space. For which I apologize, but I do like your blog! So congratulations to you!

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  36. Yup, that's him. I will forward your regards. But he reads this blog too so maybe he'll catch it on his own. Cheers, JGTH

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