Desperate Co-Eds

Like so many of my Imagined Successes, my Hot New WB Series stars a veritable Vanity Fair cover's worth of Fresh Young Talent. There's Mandy Moore, Alexis Bledel, Hilary Duff, and one or more of the Olsen twins -- half of whom already have WB series they'll have to ditch to join the coveted ranks of my cast. Over-confident, you say? Oh, I have every reason to believe that My Very Supportive Manager will get me a meeting with at least one of them or their mothers Any Day Now.

Never mind that she said my idea was too risque, too "David Lynch" were her exact words, which I frankly took as the nicest thing she's ever said to me. She also said she'd get back to me about it, which wasn't so nice, since she was lying. Sometimes I think she doesn't take me all that seriously, despite the fact that People Are Saying Very Good Things About Me. That and a dime won't buy you a bottle of Fiji in this town, unless you're meeting at Paramount or any of its subsidiaries, where they foist that stuff on you like some kind of consolation prize for not making any of your movies ever, no matter how much re-structuring they do.

Look, I can't be expected to sit on something this hot forever. Now, I'm aware that the last thing an Undiscovered Voice should be doing is yakking to a bunch of strangers trolling personal Internet journals to serve some sick, voyeuristic fetish. However, since my readers are fairly scant in number -- none actually, judging from the comments I'm not having to sift through every night -- I figure I'm pretty safe running the thing by you folks for feedback.

If you're feeling at all shy about offering your opinion on someone's lovingly crafted, emotionally wrought Next Big Tween Vehicle, by all means, do not ever go to film school. There's a lot of things they won't tell you there, but "This Sucks" isn't one of them.

Series Proposal

Student body president ELIZABETH “LIDDY” GALLAGHER returns from summer break to her dorm room—one of four in a quad connected by a bathroom and sitting area—to discover a chalk outline on the floor. As Liddy puts together the circumstances surrounding the death of her quadmate, we learn that Liddy has a big secret of her own -- she used to be so depressed by her own unattractiveness she “accidentally” drove off the side of the cliff just to gain access to some good plastic surgery. Can a former fatty with secrets of her own afford to uncover an ugly truth?

Quad-mate CYNDA QUAGLIANA is the morally bankrupt stepdaughter of a Vegas mob boss who recently cut her off. Instead of getting a job to make tuition, Cynda sets about publishing a “Hot Bods On Campus” calendar. Ultimately shut down after a series of protests from the Department of Women’s Studies, Cynda tries to seduce a basketball star to start throwing games while devising a bookmaking scheme that could net her millions.

Street smart girl-next-door from the hood TAMARA MUĂ‘OZ is a bookish scholarship student, the first in her family to go to college, and she’s desperate to get into medical school. Her long-held secret? She's not quite smart enough to make the grade. Toiling at her work-study job in University Records, she’s seduced by a duplicitous hacker who can guarantee her a perfect transcript, for a price.

Rounding out the foursome is FRANCESCA TUTUWANDA, the model beautiful daughter of the exiled former president of a small African dictatorship. She's become involved with prepster WARD HIXON, heir to a Getty-sized fortune, who begins erecting a Taj Mahal of a campus library in her honor. Unofrtunately, Francesca has been engaged since the age of four—to a boy she’s never met, and is expected to enter into an arranged marriage -- or risk starting a Civil War.

Frequently visiting the quad is CATHY CATES, a scrappy local who runs a dorm room housekeeping business. She’s also a chronic thief and shoplifter with a bad case of Winona Ryder syndrome. Her social fortunes change when Liddy discovers that Cathy may have inadvertently pinched the evidence needed to solve the mysterious dorm room murder.

Narrator of these events, suitably, is yearbook editor NATALIE EDWARDS, a criminology major. She maintains copious files, records, clippings and family trees, and gets what she wants by threatening to reveal all kinds of secrets and lies—and worse yet, to preserve them for the ages in a leather bound volume for all to see.

Who’ll be first to uncover the homicidal secret the university is so desperate to keep? It all seems to revolve around the famed, notorious Nobel-prize winning DEREK TRETHEWAY-—a cash cow on the endowment frontier.

Will the truth come out that Tretheway’s anonymous young muse and lover had been the victim of plagiarism? Could it be that an anorexic adolescent rather than a self-important blowhard was the legitimate recipient of the Nobel Prize in Poetry? With the nation’s coveted Poet Laureate honors up for grabs and the university’s reputation on the line, Tretheway might just have to kill again to keep us all from the truth.

Stay tuned...

Okay, so maybe my casting leaves something to be desired, but you get the picture. Is this not something you'd like to see on TV very soon? Please write your Congressman. Or if, like me, you have no idea who your Congressman is, contact your favorite WB executive or even the dolt who answers the phone and advise him or her to please click here: Julie Goes To Hollywood.


  1. Where the fuck did you get this manager? I hate her already. What kind of help is she to you?

  2. Okay, kids, let's all try to be a little nicer to My Very Supportive Manager, since she's the one I'm counting on to make that seven-figure deal on my blog rights some day very soon.

  3. She doesn't seem half as supportive to deserve her title.

  4. Anonymous1:33 PM

    I would have loved to watch this on the WB. Sucks that they kind of don't exist anymore.

  5. Anonymous8:11 PM

    Great storyline so far, but in my very humble opinion it needs a gimmick so that it's not "Desperate Housewives In College" Have you considered a supernatural slant? Or a geeky guy (Clark Kent type) that happens to be into forensics?