A Hundred Things About Julie

1. I am older than Jesus Christ and Marilyn Monroe when they died and Lucy Ricardo in the pilot episode.

2. I am younger than Sandra Bullock, Lisa Kudrow and Madonna.

3. When asked my exact age, I lie.

4. I do not have an imaginary boyfriend but an imaginary relationship with a real person. It is very serious.

5. In my Oscar speech, I will thank my sister before anyone else.

6. I once won seven thousand bucks on the old Lifetime game show Debt, but lost it wagering on the final bonus question:
Which O.J. Simpson juror was dismissed because she shared the defendant's arthritis doctor?
Answer: Katherine Murdoch.
7. I drive a red 1998 Honda Civic DX Hatchback recently given to me when my mother bought a hybrid.

8. I love dogs, particularly the wiener variety, of which I have two, Oscar and Vienna.

9. Oscar and Vienna once killed my scariest neighbors' pet rabbit, so I left its body on their back patio without a note.

10. I don't much care for cats, except for the few whose personality I would describe as "dog-like."

11. I once starred in a flea collar television commercial as a life-sized cat lying on a grand piano.

12. My student film was a love story set to the music of Sarah Brightman's "Stranger in Paradise," starring my wiener dogs Oscar and Vienna.

13. My first dog was a two hundred-pound Neopolitan Mastiff .

14. I have done stand-up comedy and once co-owned an improv club.

15. The only sport I follow is figure skating, which seems to me very much like flying.

16. I would lay down my life for people I love and feel very sorry indeed for those who would seek to cross me.

17. I grow roses.

18. I believe Princess Diana was murdered.

19. I met my Croatian ex-husband on a cruise ship, married him seventeen days later and will always love him.

20. My personal idols are Martha Stewart, Nancy Grace and Judge Judy.

21. If screenwriting doesn't work out, I would like either to become a wedding planner or work at Home Depot.

22. I have a friend who is a former child star and hates when I call her that, since she's still a Big Deal Actress.

23. I have met the late pope.

24. I'm not a big fan of people and I don't have a whole lot of friends.

25. I once temped at a local police department and briefly considered a career in law enforcement.

26. My greatest wish is to have my stomach stapled and not also die.

27. I have a real problem with crowds and avoid them wherever possible.

28. I speak fluent French, but only when I am drunk.

29. My favorite candy is See's Butterscotch Squares, which I always choose when they offer the free sample.

30. The only way I'll ever be considered young again is if I die right now.

31. I worry about dying young.

32. I have not exercised regularly since 1998.

33. I have a recurring nightmare where a wad of bubblegum growing inside my mouth begins to choke me to death unless I can keep blowing bubbles one after the next.

34. My mom and dad are my unsung heroes.

35. I have straddled the equator in Ecuador.

36. My favorite movie is Annie Hall.

37. Favorite song, “What A Wonderful World," by Louis Armstrong.

38. Favorite book, The World According To Garp, by John Irving.

39. Favorite authors, Dorothy Parker, Charles Dickens and Mark Twain.

40. Favorite actor, Robert Redford back in his Jeremiah Johnson years.

41. Favorite current TV show, Cops.

42. Favorite TV shows of all time, I Love Lucy, All in the Family, and Roseanne.

43. I like diet Coke from the bottle or can but not the fountain.

44. I knew Val Kilmer as a teenager.

45. When I was very young, I co-starred in two episodes of Miami Vice. I rarely discuss this.

46. I grew up in the San Fernando Valley, went to high school in Miami, college in New Orleans and film school in Los Angeles.

47. I've been following the ABC daytime soaps since I started babysitting after school.

48. The director Alexander Payne once tried to talk to me, but my mouth was full of Nutter Butters at the time.

49. I took the heart-damaging drug Phen-Fen and was awarded cash in the class action settlement.

50. Both of my late grandmothers have visited me in dreams. One of them told me death was fabulous but crossing over was something she couldn't discuss.

51. Just once in my life I'd like to be described as "willowy."

52. My brother lives in Micronesia and has a Micronesian wife and two babies I have never seen.

53. I am not close with my brother.

54. I spent childhood summers on Cayuga Lake in Upstate New York, which for some reason still feels like home to me although I never lived there.

55. I have traveled virtually the entire world but would probably only care to re-visit Italy and France.

56. I was only afraid twice during my travels, in Kingston, Jamaica; and Jerusalem during the first Intifada, when a Palestinian kid threw a pipe at me.

57. I was once stranded at a resort for a week in Taormina, Sicily at the foot of Mt. Etna.

58. The best cheese in the world is Pecorino Sale from Sardinia.

59. The best cheese you can get locally is Parmigiano Reggiano.

60. My favorite food is California Slab Apricots from Trader Joe's.

61. I have perfect teeth, big eyes and very good hair.

62. In my twenties, I was built like the St. Pauli Girl, but only bloomed from there.

63. My grandfather, father, uncle, sister and brother are lawyers.

64. I once played a lawyer on TV.

65. My star sign is Aquarius. I once had the full chart done and almost all of my moons and suns were there too, a statistical oddity.

66. I don't much care for chocolate cake or ice cream and tend to order deserts involving lemons, coconut, custard or buttercream.

67. I make the world's best Caesar Salad.

68. I drink dirty Absolut martinis, extra olives, extra cold.

69. I think Emeril Lagasse is hot.

70. Ditto Anderson Cooper.

71. I once hit on Brooke Shields' husband.

72. I dedicated myself to a life in writing beginning at the age of six, when I wrote the following poem:
Peace is forever,
peace is for now.
There should be no wars,
not one kapow.
73. My first real job was cashiering at Publix in Coral Gables, Florida.

74. I published my first travel magazine article at the age of nineteen and my first travel guidebook at twenty-nine.

75. I am currently on unemployment.

76. My first career job was for the travel section of a major daily newspaper in Palm Beach, Florida.

77. I wrote an episode of the ABC Disney animated series Recess, my single produced professional screenwriting credit to date.

78. I don't understand the big fuss about children.

79. At the age of six, I saw a UFO outside the bedroom window of my family's summer cottage.

80. I tend to think men are inferior to women.

81. I feel very sad for strippers, hookers and porn stars, especially the younger ones and the older ones.

82. I am for free speech but against free porn.

83. The first time I voted for President it was for Ross Perot.

84. I am by and large non-political and anti-religion.

85. I'm unusually patriotic.

86. I don't care for scatological humor because I don't think it's funny.

87. I don't curse in writing but curse quite a bit in my speech.

88. I love eggs.

89. I think Michael Jackson did it.

90. I know O.J. did it.

91. I like going to the movies alone in the afternoon and sometimes see two or more while eating Hot Tamales or Raisinets.

92. I love Easy Listening from the seventies, especially Karen Carpenter, John Denver and Barry Manilow.

93. I've been on about a hundred Internet dates, but only two with the same guy more than once.

94. Whenever I walk down a hotel corridor, I see the twins from The Shining.

95. I would like to own a small working farm, where I would grow stone fruit, nuts and lavender, raise chickens, host fabulous dinner parties and have revolving affairs with the help.

96. I wish I had the talent for oil painting, playing the piano and headlining a Broadway musical.

97. As a kid I was obsessed with Robby Benson and often sketched his likeness from pictures I clipped out of Tiger Beat.

98. My first crush was on Speed Racer, who is animated. My second was on Bobby Sherman, who sang "Julie Do You Love Me?"

99. I have lost and re-gained more than a hundred pounds three times since the age of fifteen.

100. My greatest compliment was from my sister, who once told me I'm the least judgmental person she's ever known.


  1. "I have perfect teeth, big eyes and very good hair." Me, I have troubled teeth, bad eyes and very "big" hair. So big, in fact, it's written into the Alice & Andre sitcom as a running gag.

    "Julie Do You Love Me?" has been my all time favourite song since I was too young to remember. I used to slow dance in the arms of my (much) older sister to the 45 in about 1970 or thereabouts.

    Thanks for posting the little stuff, Julie - I think you are even waay cooler now (even if you don't like cats...)

    PS - if and when you ever "run into" Kilmer again, tell him I've got projects for him. No money, just lots of projects. LOL.

  2. I ran into Bobby Sherman at an Italian restaurant in Encino three or four years ago but was too blown away to say anything. I'd become a grown-up and he looked exactly the same. Welcome to La-La Land. Thanks for writing!
    P.S. Cats are okay. They're just not dogs.

  3. I love your blog! Keep up the good work! As someone who is married to an aspiring screenwriter (and just started his first year at film school), your site cracks me up and offers insights I never really thought about. Keep writing!

  4. Oh, Camille. You need me. Please recommend me to the other film school husbands and wives, and I will try to keep you enablers in mind as I offer my various pearls of wisdom. Best wishes!

  5. Something in common: My first crush was on Trixie. You never forget your first.

  6. That was a laugh riot of a 100 things. And you dig Annie Hall. Splendid.