This Blog Is Rated Julie

There’s a Website—a dating Website of all things, and not even a Christian one—that scans blogs for objectionable material, suggesting various levels of parental supervision all the way up to FBI intervention and possible notification of the Department of Homeland Security. Mine rated the dreaded NC-17, the lowest of the low, right down there with those offering up guided tours inside Paris Hilton’s vagina, random clips of bestiality and kiddy porn, and graphic information on how to make and detonate a suicide bomb. To be directed to one or more of us, all the kids have to do is accidentally leave an “o” out of the word Google.

Since the program is only able to ferret out scandalous words rather than images, my alarming rating was apparently determined based on my aggregate usage of profanity. Over the years, I’ve employed the word fuck no less than fourteen times, although ironically this was all in one recent post meant to satirize the hypocritical nature of the relationship between language and censorship. There were ten references to porn, six to sex and three to death. I twice uttered the word dick—although I'm certain that one or more of these was in reference to a certain "private dick" played by Humphrey Bogart in The Maltese Falcon—and once referred to someone, or heaven forbid something, as “anal.”

I am a dirty, dirty girl, and for that I have been bitch-slapped. That’s right, bitch-slapped, I’ve said it twice now, like a prison inmate already living under the death penalty who up and offs another guard just for sport. Damn, another death reference. And damn, another two damns!

Well, two can poke around the Internet digging up dirt and naming McCarthy-era names, which is how I came to learn that the Supreme Court twice decided that the First Amendment didn’t apply to filmmakers. Larry Flynt, yes, Alfred Hitchcock, no. Both Psycho and Some Like It Hot were released without the required Motion Picture Association of America stamp of approval due to their “objectionable themes.”

I made it all the way through film school without learning that the Hays Code—banning the glorification of “crime, wrongdoing, evil or sin” from the nation’s theaters—remained relatively intact from 1930 (coincidentally the same year they gave liquor back to the people) all the way up until 1968. The MPAA then devised a four-tiered ratings system—G, M, R and X—that lifted virtually all restrictions on what elements could lawfully be in a film. M was later changed to PG, and the elevated PG-13 was added in response to the level of violence in—gasp!—Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. The dreaded NC-17 replaced the X rating not in relation to content, but because the MPAA had failed to trademark the designation by then widely in use by the porn industry.

This happened right around the time they stopped making good movies altogether, instead offering up family fare that ever so covertly slipped in adult themes like dead babysitters, rat love and monster sex in the hopes inspiring kids of all ages to forgo a week’s worth of groceries in exchange for sitting through them as a four-quadrant unit on opening weekend.

In all fairness to the contemporary American viewing public, I propose a new ratings system based not on outmoded moral self-righteousness, but rather on, oh, I don't know, audience appeal. G would be for Geeks Only, PG for Pubescent Geeks and Above, PG13 for Pubescent Geeks and Thirteen Screaming Friends, R for Really Rude Pubescent Geeks with Fake I.D.’s and NC-17 for the The 17 Remaining Films Not Created By Pixar. Damn, I miss movies with people in them. I mean, darn I miss the people movies. Darn I miss the porn, sex, death, dick movies about humans.


  1. Anonymous2:14 PM

    i tried this site too on a lark and true to what i tell my students, my blog is in fact rated G... for GEEK... and even the government knows those are the ones you need to look out for ;)

    castaway @ run-a-bout!

  2. I rate you A for Awesome.

    So put that in your dirty little pipe and smoke it, ratings people.

    Fuck haters.

  3. Well jeepers, Jules you just need to rein in your pornographic self!
    Until then, do what I do: cheat.

    I do naughty words so they aren't so naughty, to wit:

    For fuck use fug, fick, effing

    Spoonerisms are handy. Off the top of my noggin there's fuster cluck, hit shead, ship dit, wick deed... you get the idea.

    Don't use dick, use dork, dorkus, dorker.

    But all this trouble could have been avoided if you'd left for Europe right after the 4th and stayed gone until mid-September like you're supposed to.

  4. Okay, but Humphrey Bogart wasn't a private dork. He was a private dick. And what about poor Dick Nixon? Not that I've mentioned him much, but I'd like to feel free to do so should the mood strike.

  5. I'm a "G" ... for 1 mention of death that I don't even recall. Apparently, one can say "shit" any number of times if one apologizes for it like a good Canadian.

  6. I understand your quandry. Context of course is key and those anti-Julie bots should ignore Dick Nixon, but not, that Nixon dick. Ergo, Nixon was a Dick, should pass the bot with nare a digital twitch.

    Private dick is a toughie. I'll run it past my people. In the meantime use, PI.

  7. The MPAA continues to argue that they are nothing more than a guideline for parents. That being the case, there shouldn't be a rating more harsh than R, right? Don't let The Man stop you from swearing.

  8. I say congrats just on being nominated! Err listed, cited, reprimanded...whatever. And in the spirit of good ole 'Merican censorship I challenge: a blog post about Magnus PI busting a Samoan porn ring while managing his romantic adventures at Robin's Nest. (Am I dating myself?)

  9. Well, yeah, but...damn Magnum was hot. Whatever happened to short shorts, anyway?

  10. After the story about Little Miss FuckShine, I'd have to say. F them. I guess you don't need any more lurid, filthy words like that.


  11. Wow! I'm PG for 4 assholes, 2 Hells and One Dead.

    Wait, that doesn't sound good.

  12. Hell is a no-no? What the hell is that? I mean, what the fuck is that?

    Might I also add another choice word: roboho. Just because I can.

  13. Anonymous7:54 AM

    I got an R Rating... NC17 eh? You know what happens when you ban or censor something, it just drives the publicity up so the cybercafes will be filled with pre-pubescent surfers checking you out now that their parental locks engaged on the home laptop ha

  14. You are bad. If you write as people speak, what's the point in doing either?

    The written word should only ever be about butterflies and celestial animals. Neruda's Ode To An Artichoke is borderline.

  15. Pablo Neruda? Very impressive. The only thing I know about that guy is the stuff they read in Il Postino.

  16. That NC-17 rating is gonna do WONDERS for your "17 year old boy" readership.

  17. I know, but they'll be just so disappointed when they get here. Sigh.

  18. What a joke. My blog is PG-13. Parents strongly cautioned because my blog mentions the words death (4x) kill (3x) steal (2x) bastard (1x). My blog is cleaner than most 13 year old vocabularies!

  19. DougJ7:36 PM

    I like your new picture on the front.
    Now we know what you look like when you don't have a couple of wieners in your face.

  20. It was nice to read this blog, since a few minutes ago I was getting angry at another blog calling for censorship of the movie Captivity.

    Let your fuck flag fly!

    My blog got a PG by the way, for one reference to sex. Just one? I must be more boring than I thought... I guess it didn't read my post where I created the word rititsulous to describe obscenely large breasted women.

  21. Anonymous10:12 AM


    You've already got me going.
    Your attitude, writing...and being in film school.
    You're my kinda gal.

    I did UCLA.

    The shit I went through there...wierd.
    Had no idea it was more than just about doing the work and pushing yourself to get better at it.

    Keep up with the blog.
    Good stuff.


  22. There was a time, and so many times we often wonder where the terminology came from but it all happen during that dreaded time of fearing all things life. Ou of fear of sexuality coming to the table (!) you would say light or dark meat as breast and thighs could ignite someone to topple the table and start with the fucking. The saddest part of these organizations and website that seek to regulate everything to their bullshitty baby talk is they have no understanding how complex, and emotionally complex life really is. Oh did I mention this post was delightful.

  23. That thing sucks donkey d*)k. I got an R-Rating for having the PHRASE "no sex" 8 times. That means that a sex education site would be screwed, or would that be f*&^ed?

    It even flagged the word "shoot."

  24. Anonymous3:38 PM

    "Now we know what you look like when you don't have a couple of wieners in your face"

    That was you selling hot dogs from that cart in the parking lot of the old Tower Records store on Sunset. You moonlighter, you.