Big Hollywood Screenwriter's List of Things to Do Today
2. Stop at Farmer’s Market for imported non-fat yogurt from Greek island of Mykonos and pint of assorted seasonal berries.
3. Run on treadmill while listening to mix of Abba, Shakira, and soundtrack from Fame.
4. Shower, moisturize and exfoliate with new tub of lavender scrub from Trader Joe’s. Dress in Levi's 501 button down jeans from high school that for some unknown reason fit again.
5. Read the trades to learn that old film school chum has inked multi-million dollar series deal at HBO.
6. Pen charming congratulatory note to dear old pal, with gentle reminder of verbal agreement to share any and all future successes sealed one drunken Karaoke Night at the Westwood Brewery.
7. Work out final scene of in-demand high concept thriller now ready for record sale at spec auction. Type the words “Fade Out.”
8. Phone Very Supportive Manager, who sends young, tan and built “runner” to pick it up—but not before hitting “Macho Man” on his boom box and stripping down to his sequined thong.
9. Go to The Ivy at the Shore and enjoy celebratory bottle of Veuve Cliquot, courtesy of formerly infertile starlet cured by world famous gynecologist boyfriend who's about to pop the question.
10. Accept his barefoot marriage proposal delivered in French and accompanied by moonlight string quartet on the beach, while simultaneously fielding million-dollar script offers on cell phone. Die happy and complete.
That's on a good day, of course. Here's the list of things to do on a bad day.
1. Wake up late and scratch ass on front porch in jammies and padded slippers, letting Wieners roll around on the lawn in the neighbor dog’s favorite pee spot after eating each other's poop.
2. Make it to Jack-In-The-Box thirty seconds too late to order Bacon, Egg and Sausage Ciabatta Breakfast Sandwiches with two-for-one coupon.
3. Return home empty-handed and squeeze into the last clean nightie, which is too tight around the underarms. Microwave Angel Hair Pasta & Shrimp Lean Cuisine while watching Howie Mandel guest host on Regis & Kelly.
4. Tune into four-hour block of smiling moron Rachael Ray’s 30-Minute Meals on the Food Network. Accidentally nap through both Judge Judy and Nancy Grace.
5. Read trades to learn that no talent film school arch nemesis with perky boobs and severe haircut landed three-picture deal at Paramount with Brad Pitt and George Clooney producing.
6. E-mail anonymous death threat, then think better of it since they can track these things and desperately try to unsend it.
7. Mull over fabulous new spec script idea, only to discard it when ET's Mary Hart announces that Keira Knightley has just committed to the exact same movie to be written and directed by Ridley Scott.
8. Let machine pick up call from Very Supportive Manager who’s “been a little worried about you and just wanted to call and say you’re the greatest, and it will happen just as soon as that new spec is done. Anyway, is it?”
9. Go to Fatburger for Double King Burger With Cheese, Fat Fries and Vanilla Shake, pay with last nine dollars of available credit on Visa.
10. Clean up mysterious Wiener dog vomit found among bedsheets, pop the last Xanax, drift off in front of TV before cable company cuts it off for non-payment, and dream of becoming Letterman’s new stalker. Die bitter and alone.