Julie's Big Hollywood New Year's Resolutions

  1. Meet and marry Jake Gyllenhaal despite the media's mean-spirited Demi/Ashton comparisons.

  2. Legally change name to Julie Gyllenhaal, Ph. D. because I damn well like the sound of it.

  3. Go on double dates with Maggie Gyllenhaal and Peter Saarsgard. Remark on all those cool double As in our names. Consider acessorizing with umlauts.

  4. Divorce Jake Gyllenhaal, whom I publicly accuse of fraud after one too many mountain weekends away with "an old fishing buddy."

  5. Surrender double A and any and all future claims to umlaut.

  6. Write the great American screenplay; sell in bidding war between The Baron and The Doctor for fifteen thousand yen.

  7. Publish juicy Hollywood tell all.

  8. Guest star on Oprah, stand on couch, punch air.

  9. Despite daily gorging on bacon and chalupas, suffer spontaneous weight loss, like Star Jones-Reynolds.
  10. Walk wiener dogs on Harry Winston leashes along the red carpet to the Oscars. Win in a surprise upset over Woody Allen. Thank Mom, Dad, Jesus, my newfound friends at CAA, the unsung heroes of Hurricane Katrina and the troops in Iraq.

  11. Finally introduce myself to longtime Imaginary Boyfriend.

  12. Dump the big dork, who suddenly expects me to like his friends and his protein shakes while happily washing his undershorts.

  13. Suffer bizarre mid-life growth spurt, becoming inexplicably leggy and coltish.

  14. Skip naked down Hollywood Boulevard.

  15. Ride Tom Cruise’s motorcycle, become mysteriously impregnated, join Scientology, enjoy delightful home sonograms.

  16. Publicly heckle that crazy bitch Brooke Shields and Matt "You Are Glib" Lauer.

  17. Screw the manual labor already and return to the geisha way of life.

  18. Invite many a studly eel to visit the old love cave.


  1. You said it sissta!

    Mr. Morris
    Ask Morris

  2. Resolutions...that's what I'll do today. I am fond of saying I never keep them, but the fact is, three of my careers started as resolution.

    And just read your response to my response to you -- I think, yes, someone's blog did get optioned for a movie, but can't remember which one it was now. Also, there is that guy who's trying to get a free house by trading up, starting w/a paper clip, he blogs, and I think there's a book in the works. And some guys so sold their website's narrative line for a movie. And the guy who sold everything he owned on ebay, whose book is in development for a movie, tho' I think it predates blogging.


    ...there's ONE.


    PS. and thanks for the blog roll listing...xo.

  3. Good stuff J! Have you settled in yet?


  4. You forgot one resolution. How about "Get adopted by the Hiltons" so all you have to do to get A-list attention is show up, have your drunk boyfriend crash your car into a wall, and carry a little dog around on the red carpet. Have a great 2006, Julie!

  5. To paraphrase General Buck Turgidson, jeez I wish I had one of those mid-life growth spurt things.

    Actually, I'd prefer to heckle Tom Cruise.

  6. I resolve to not see another Tom Cruise movie on pain of losing brain cells. Will heckle him at any and all opportunties.

  7. hahaah that's awesome, great list of resolutions ;)

  8. I think on my list this year is: 'finalize deal for the Jake Gyllanhaal reconstructive surgery procedure' so that when I run into you I won't have to beat around the bush...Happy New Year, Julie

  9. Oh Doug, ever the pragmatist. MQ, please be aware I'm very phickle before you go under the knife. As for the rest of you, my final resolution is to be grateful I have the greatest commenters in the blogosphere.

  10. Go on the soul sister resolutions! Oddly mine included meeting and marrying Adrien Brody and then putting out an album through all his music friends. Plus Heidi Brody sounds funny.

  11. Ah, but Heidi Gyllenhaal-Brody is sheer poetry. I'm seeing a Nobel Prize in that chick's future.

  12. I'd like to nominate this blog for the 2006 Bloggies...check it out here http://2006.bloggies.com/

    Julie should win easily.


  13. OK this is weird but were you up in the H'wood hills last night? I was walking my dog past these people getting in a car and had the oddest feeling one girl was you. Had to check. P.S. Second the Bloggies nom!

  14. Hollywood Blvd sounds plausible.

  15. All Bloggie nominations are welcome. I could actually use the twenty bucks, along with the nice gesture. I wasn't in the Hills or the Boulevard last night, I was in bed with the wieners. Some of us were chewing rawhide. It's a little ritual we have the night before a big studio pitch. More on that debacle to follow...