I have a public confession to make and hopefully it’s more interesting than the rest of my public confessions. I don’t go to the movies very often.Summer's out completely, since I don’t care for comic books, computer games or natural disasters. Though I am a fan of classic sitcoms, they don’t seem to translate well to features even after Jessica Simpson has worked so very hard on her big screenworthy ass.
I don’t enjoy cartoons, no matter how “inspired” and “life-like.”
I’ve never seen a film with the word “man,” in the title, whether Bat, Super or Spider.
Re-makes of gritty foreign films and timeless classics range between rather superfluous and downright insulting, even with that lame "improved technology" argument.
I haven't seen a horror movie since they showed The Shining one Halloween in college. Since then I've seen those blasted twins every time I walk down a hotel corridor.
I couldn’t really follow Gladiator; and didn’t get the one with all those gay English guys on the 18th century boat. I neither saw Armageddon, Men in Black nor Independence Day—nor any of the Harry Potters, Mission Impossibles, or Jurassic Parks. Though Titanic is an all-time favorite, I’d definitely skip Titanic 2: The Revenge. The last Star Wars I went to was the first one. And God help me, I believe the first Godfather says it all.
You’re probably asking yourself why it is I want to be a screenwriter. The obvious answer is the poor bastards need me. Before they started making movies for kids grown-ups might be able to stomach, the good movies were the ones your parents wouldn’t let you watch. When I was little you could keep your Bugsy Malone, I had to see Annie Hall—which my mother decided was a drug movie after reviewing the famous cocaine sneeze. American Graffiti was about gangs and The Sting glorified a couple of petty criminals. Hot damn, I was in—even if it meant sneaking through the side door after being dropped off to see Jodie Foster in the original Freaky Friday. I’ve been equally inspired by only a handful of movies made after I grew up. Thelma & Louise, Muriel’s Wedding, Cinema Paradiso, Billy Elliott, and Sideways come immediately to mind. I like stories about people—girls, even—and yeah, I’m prepared to read the subtitles. Hardly an art house junkie, I freely admit to enjoying fun but forgettable fare like The 40-Year-Old Virgin, Wedding Crashers and Elf—all original scripts rather than re-makes, sequels or adaptations, it’s worth noting—as much as Mad Hot Ballroom and Whale Rider.
It's mostly getting to the theater that presents such a problem. Since I have less interest in long lines, subterranean parking lots and shopping malls than I do in interplanetary warfare, it’s a real strain come wintertime to see the big Oscar contenders they insist on releasing over a three-day period. My theater of choice is the Arclight, where there aren’t a whole lot of people around—worth the fourteen-dollar ticket in and of itself.Maybe the real reason I want to write movies is I actually prefer my humanity at a safe distance, up there on the big screen where it belongs. Where everybody seems so much larger than the rest of us, more important, more Robert Redford in his prime. Speaking of my original imaginary boyfriend, the day they re-make Jeremiah Johnson starring Ashton Kutcher, so help me, I’ll give it all up to go to work at the Umatilla Home Depot.
