3.30.2006

It Girl

I received the following e-mail from "Kevin" at Tenspeed and Brown Shoe. This, if I’m not mistaken, was a short-lived eighties TV show starring Jeff Goldblum and Ben Vereen, a reference I’m not sure I get unless Kevin is a neurotic Jewish Broadway star who wants to run a failing detective agency. He’s tagged me by way of what I can only interpret as a slam:
I guess the thinking behind your blog is that everyone is always talking about how bad everyone else is. I want to know what YOUR worst was...Please answer on the blog!
Kevin, dear, the thinking behind my blog is not that everyone else is bad. It’s that everyone else is stupid. If they were smart, since we're dealing in caps, THEY WOULD HIRE ME. My mistake is continuing to believe that they will do this ANY TIME NOW.

I must point out that in direct violation of the rules, rather than picking one sorry sucker, you have tagged much of the scribosphere in one fell swoop. I see that John August and Ken Levine, both much bigger men than I, with careers and assistants and sizeable residuals checks, have already responded. Who am I to pass? Seriously, while I thank you for including me in this company, your questions seem directed at people enjoying some measure of success, which isn’t exactly how I’d describe myself at this point.

However, in the interest of being a good sport, I will play your silly game of tag, one I didn’t particularly care for as a child because you didn’t get candy if you won. All you got was not to be it any more. I wanted to be it. I am an it girl, born and bred. But then, you’ve already noticed that.

WHAT'S THE WORST THING YOU'VE EVER WRITTEN?
Jihad Barbie, a teen comedy about a sleeper terrorist inadvertently abandoned at University of Miami. She changes her mind about bombing the Orange Bowl after being nominated for Orange Bowl Princess. It wasn’t badly written, just a life-threatening career risk. Put the names Parker and Stone on it and the thing would have sold for 2.8 mil and inspired an episode of South Park lampooning the fatwah on their heads.

WHAT'S THE WORST LINE YOU'VE EVER WRITTEN?
“I wish I knew how to quit you!” Oh wait, that wasn’t me.

WHAT'S THE WORST ADVICE YOU'VE EVER GIVEN?
Of course you should go to film school! What’s sixty-five grand in exchange for a lifetime of fame and fortune?

WHAT'S THE ONE TIME YOU KNOW YOU SHOULD HAVE SPOKEN UP BUT YOU DIDN’T?
I was working in Thailand when a Japanese tourist started beating a little girl with a stick for letting her fall off the back of an elephant ride. To this day, I wish I’d gone Charlie’s Angels on the old bitch and dropped kicked her clear back to Osaka.

WHAT'S THE WORST PITCH MEETING YOU'VE EVER HAD
I will never again agree to another “phone meeting,” as if that’s not a contradiction in terms. It’s really important to know the exact moment when their eyes start rolling back in their heads in order to time the next inappropriate, self-loathing joke and hone in on something good to pocket on the way out.

WHO'S THE ONE PERSON YOU'D NEVER WORK WITH AGAIN AND AREN'T AFRAID TO NAME?
Jake Gyllenhaal. Our spontaneous lovemaking tends to interfere with the work.

WHAT'S THE WORST SCRIPT IDEA YOU'VE EVER HAD?
A comedy called Rivals, in which Jane Fonda would compete with her granddaughter Lindsay Lohan and ultimately get the guy. High concept to be sure, but there's something really creepy about sampling grannie’s greasy leftovers.

WHAT'S THE WORST THING ABOUT YOU BEING ON SET?
That I’m not.

WHAT'S YOUR WORST WORKING HABIT?
Blogging.

WHAT'S THE WORST MISTAKE YOU'VE EVER MADE?
Throwing over Jen for Angelina. I’m so over the weird pelvic tattoo that says “Billy Bob” in Swahili now that we’re talking stretch marks.

5 comments:

  1. ROTFL!! Write for me. I'll let you on the set. I can't pay you. Interested...? (Pssst. I shoot in Canada. Free beer. Canadian beer.)

    Oh, and if you're gonna play, you have to tag somebody else. It's like the law. But you can't tag me. I have a note from my mom.

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  2. Les, Les, Les. You're so tagged.

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  3. NO! I really DO have a note from my mom!! That, and I get laughed at enough without revealing the worst thing I ever wrote. How would I ever pick ONE?! As for people I would never work with again... this is too small a town to start naming names...

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  4. Julie:

    Thanks for playing along. This is the first (and possibly last) time I've tagged other bloggers. Don't worry about your level of success, I know you'll get there.

    But why is it that whenever I read Julie Goes To Hollywood, I think of Lea Thompson in some bad NBC sitcom?

    P.S. No, I'm not a Black Jew. I'm just a regular Black. Scott Brooks, the other guy I blog with proclaimed a year ago that if we ever did a blog it would have to entitled Tenspeed and Brownshoe. I don't know why. I just think it makes him laugh.

    --tenspeed

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  5. But why is it that whenever I read Julie Goes To Hollywood, I think of Lea Thompson in some bad NBC sitcom?

    That would be due to my overall sunny disposition, unvarnished Minnesota farm girl charm and preternaturally leggy and coltish figure. I've been in a really good mood ever since I played Tom Cruise's squeeze in All The Right Moves back before he got weird.

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